Most little girls when asked what they want to be when they grow up? usually reply with, .a princess or a ballerina! or something along those lines.
Not me, I wanted to be either a gangster's mol, or a gypsy.
As I got older I realised the gangster life was not for me,far too much drama!
But the gypsy girl is still in me. I have an overwhelming urge to travel, I want to be barefoot and free, I want to dance as if no one is watching, play a tambourine, bang on a drum, laugh loudly, be able to cry and scream without my inner voice shushing me, I want to be unapologetically me!
I feel like for most of my life I have tried to fit into a box in order to appease everyone else, be the perfect wife/partner, run a business, be an entrepreneur, be a strong and capable single mum, look like my life is in order. But all the way through this inside I'm screaming "This is not my box!"
Oh don't get me wrong it's not all been bad, in fact being a single mum was the best thing I have ever done and the bond and friendship I still have with the girls is proof of that.
But the rest of it, houses, cars, etc living to work and failing for years to find a balance,worrying about the tomorrows, the maybes... all of that drove me insane! and I knew there just had to be more!
The last eighteen months have been a real journey of trying to figure out who am I? appart from a confused, contradiction, wine swigging Christian that likes to, be at one with nature one day and party like an animal the next!! I mean really who the heck am I???
Not only that, but what do I want? what makes me happy?
I've spent the last 30 years pleasing others, bending over backwards to accommodate my hairdressing clients, working crazy hours even when sick so not to let anyone down.
Trying to be the perfect partner tending to their every need.
I've always been the friend you can rely on for a drink a hug or the occasional slap if needed.
As I mum I tried to fill the role of Mother, Father and friend.
But when I strip all that away what do I want, what do I like, who am I?
When I turned 50 I was faced with the reality that I am most likely more than half way through my life. With that also came the thought that realistically I probably have around 20 years of having the mindset and energy of doing all the things I still want to do, and that's if I'm lucky! 20 years doesn't sound like a very long time (unless your sat in prison for a crime you didn't commit)
So I figured I better crack on with living, it's time to get of the hamster wheel, and start chasing rainbows.
I have immersed myself into training, learning new skills and developing my mindset. Forging a new path, I took some time out in the Maldives to work on my limiting beliefs, self love and worth. I absolutely could not afford this trip, but equally couldn't afford not to, so I set up a payment plan and paid it over 12 months. This was one of those lightbulb moments, because if I really want something I just need to find a solution to get me there.
I came back with the belief that I could get my retreat & wellness business to work, it would just take a little time and a lot of love.
I then on a whim, flew to Peru! as you do. I did an intense 7 day Breathwork facilitator course, which was an incredible experience on so many levels. I learnt that I am more than capable, 4 flights and 30 hours travel each way was a good test! but more importantly I learnt that I am ok with me, I am ok being alone.
As well as learning how to facilitate, I also practiced the breathwork every day.
For those that have never experienced conscious connected breathwork, It takes you on a journey, it exposes your inner fears and traumas but also opens you up to new ways of healing both mental and physical wounds. It's more powerful than any drug or counseling session I have ever had. When you finally realise that all along you have the power to heal within you! Wow its mind blowing.
So no more blaming or shaming myself or others, I am perfect within my imperfections, I am a work in progress, and I am on this beautiful journey called life! and as much as it pains so many people, I am not looking for a destination to settle, I am going to forever chase that rainbow and enjoy every skid, screech and bump in the road.
So for now I am focusing on doing more of the things I love, more walks, breathwork, soundbaths, more retreats, more connecting with other bonkers like minded souls.
I will never quite fit in, but darling why be a pigeon when you can be a flamingo!!!
p.s I have arranged some great events for us to connect at, you can find these on the website www.justbretreats.com but also on facebook and eventbright
Dates for the diary
19th May Retreat (women only)
11th June Tintwistle waterfalls (women only)
25th June Beach reset day Formby Beach (mixed male & female)
30th June Retreat (women only)